Hey guys! Welcome back to the 29th Series! Be sure to catch up on previous episodes!
I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I just feel so broken up inside,
like my pieces have been shattered even further into tiny bits.
I know now what it means when someone says, “My life is a mess.”
As my present self is a living proof of mess.
How did I get here? How did it all happen?
I know deep down the cause of my tear filled eyes, the reason why I feel like I should take my life; even though I fail to admit it.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a shadow of my old self— the one who remembers what peace felt like.
The one who felt loved by her Father. The one who didn’t have to struggle to get by each day.
But I fell. I’ve fallen so deep I can’t see the shore any longer.
It felt good at first, the cool water kissing against my skin so lightly.
Time passed, the water became colder, it no longer kissed me, rather it began to sting.
I can still feel it each night when I cry myself to sleep
Each time my skin shivers at its coldness, I’m reminded that I’ve sunk.
I’ve sunk deep into sin, deep into slavery once again.
All because of the little fox I failed to acknowledge, all because of my bane.
They say there’s hope for people like me.
They say God loves me, even though I’m a slave to my bane. *laughs
You don’t know what I’ve done.
You don’t know how many times I’ve defiled His temple.
My fingers and toes would not be able to count the number of times I’ve nailed Him to the cross all over again.
Still they chant, “He loves you, He loves you.”
But they don’t know what it feels like.
They don’t know what it’s like to look yourself in the mirror everyday and wish you could end it once and for all.
So stop your chanting. Stop your lies.
My bane has eaten me up. Can’t you see I’m nothing but a slave to sexual impurities?
He gave me my chance and I lost it. I can’t go back again… it’s hard.
It’s really true you know, what Paul said,
“For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn
from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
(2 Peter 2:20-22)”
Like a dog, I have shamelessly returned to my vomit.
I silently wish every time that I had never even known the way.
That I had never been saved by His grace.
But then I ponder, if He knew I was going to turn back,
If He already knew what a disappointment I would become,
Why then, did He waste His time saving me in the first place?
Why did He allow me to feel His indescribable peace?
Why did He fill my heart with a part of Himself if He knew I was later going to bury it deep down?
“Taste and see that the Lord is good…” I heard a voice say in my head.
And then I realize, He wanted me to see what it’s like with Him.
He wanted me to feel the immense joy he could bring me for a lifetime.
Even with my bane, He believed that I still deserved His love, His grace, His saving.
He allowed me to taste the two sides of life, He gave me a chance to swim and that I did.
“Choose.” The voice spoke again.
I’m scared. What if I fall again? What if I go even deeper this time?
“I’ll catch you.” He said.
And then I start to cry.
I cry because I want Him back. I cry because I don’t want to swim by myself anymore.
My bane, it’s just too much.
“Cast your burden on the Lord for He careth for you.”
I fall to my knees and cry out, “I choose you God. I know if I fall a billion times you’d still love me so I choose You God. I choose you always and forever Papa. Please take me back!”
Slowly, I start to float, until I see the shore.
I smile, knowing I’m going back up there;
Where joy is, where comfort and peace lie; and where I’ll see my Father again after so many months in agony.
I smile genuinely for the first time in a really long while, because this lost sheep has found her way home.
HAPPY 19TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO ME AND HIM
Thank you for reading! Yes, I know it’s been a while. I haven’t been in the best spot to write and I just couldn’t post anything, knowing it’s not from my heart. So here’s one to end the year, from a very emotional part of my soul. See you guys in 2022!
ALL BLOGGERS WAIT BEHIND FOR A BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT!
Dear Blogger, you are hereby invited to join a Telegram group called the Bloggers Inner Circle. We just chit-chat there sometimes, but the main purpose of creating it is to exchange blogging ideas if we’re stuck, motivate each other, get inputs/ validation for certain ideas and simply have a blogging family to lean on. If you’re interested in joining, simply tap on the group name and you’ll be officially coronated!
Thank you for waiting behind, I hope I’ll see you in the inner circle!